In our weekly chat about mental health, a few thoughts on bearing a grudge, and what can be done about it.
Hello! It’s the part of the Film Stories site where we stop for a bit and chat about things that may be affecting you, or people around you. Or us. Just stuff to do with mental health, wellbeing and such like. This is a weekly segment of the site, comfortably the least-read thing we write, but also some of the most important material we produce.
It’s not designed to be miracle cures or anything. Other people are far more qualified than that. It’s just a chat.
And this particular chat is about grudges. There’s little point suggesting we don’t all have them, and I know people who can take grudge bearing to Olympic levels of expertise. I guess I should write a few words on how grudges aren’t particularly healthy, and we should all stop them, but also, I happen to live on Planet Earth.
I have grudges. I can’t help it. But I guess if there’s something useful I do, it’s first of all to acknowledge that, and to know why I hold them. For me, it’s a self-protection measure.
I’m very conscious of the people who have screwed me over in the past, who have aimed brickbats at me, those who I’ve helped who never returned the favour when I was at a low ebb. These things stick in the mind, and not all of them convert into grudges, but I think most of us get to a point where it’s natural to protect ourselves against further hurt.
I do think a full-on grudge is the top tier of this, and I’ve got to the point where I bear very few of those. But I do have them, and I can’t solve them all. Resolution can be all but impossible sometimes. Generally, forgiveness is involved, and several times in my life I’ve given it, and had it in return. But not always.
And recognising that has been important. As much as I try and treat people who aren’t nice to me as if they’re having an awful day, sometimes it just bloody hurts, right?
I’m also conscious that people hold grudges against me, and that messes with my head more than I may let on. Try as I might – again, I have – I can’t solve some of these. And we all have to go on living.
What a messy article, right? But that’s grudges, I figure. I wish I could make them go away. I can’t. I just have to stare them down and know what they are.
Any better ideas are very welcome in the comments. And this column will return, as always, next week.
