I can put them off at first, laugh most of them away. I know on some level that no one really cares so neither should I. And after all, it’s a little voice that lives inside my head, so surely I’m the master in control.
But the problem isn’t so much the things I do or say, it’s the way that little voice grows louder and louder. Before long, it’s no longer a little voice but a very dominant dictator of how I think and feel. It’s as though I’m not really me.
To make things worse, I pretend I’m fine. But every fake smile leaves its mark. It’s only on my way home from work – the first time I’m really by myself most days – that I realise just how false I’ve been acting. It might sound like there’s a straightforward solution: just be myself and stop pretending. Sounds easy enough. But, however us humans are made, there’s always something that wants to save face, afraid of being the sulk in the corner no one wants to go near. So I put on a front, an act, that masks how I really feel.Negative thought spirals ensue. Those existential questions about where we’re going and what we’re doing become related to me as an individual. “Where am I going? What am I doing?” Eventually they can reach their most damaging: “what’s even the point in me at all?”
I’m no psychiatrist and couldn’t tell you the line between clinical depression or simply feeling a bit rotten. My family has had a history of mental illness, which has led to two suicides, including my uncleās, and another earlier this year.
Logically, I struggle to comprehend anyone thinking their absence from this world is the answer. It never could be. Nonetheless, for anyone reading this who feels like that, I feel your pain and you’re certainly not alone. What I would like to give, however, is a few words on hope and a couple of things that have helped me. None of them are new or particularly groundābreaking. But I’d just like you to know that when you are at your lowest, you’re definitely not alone and, believe me, things will be okay. Number one has been said countless times, but it really is a vital first step: talk to someone. I don’t just mean mentioning it in passing but find someone you know who really cares and get it all out. Humans are remarkable creatures and their ability not just to listen but to make someone feel heard is a miraculous thing – it’s the basis of all relationships, even communities. The other day, alarm bells were ringing in my head. I had to make myself go and see my Mum, who I hadn’t seen in a while, just to talk to someone who would listen. I’d been with a group of mates at the pub – and all the continued pretence, worsened by drinking, wasn’t helping and I knew it deep down. Next – and this is quite a tricky balance to strike – when talking to that person, try and distinguish between sharing how you really feel and ranting. It’s good to vent but listing all your problems and casting the blame on others is only likely to make you feel worse. Ask yourself what you’re really in control of and put everything else aside. Equally, if you’re alone, self-pity is the thing to watch out for. In an odd sense, it can sometimes even be comfortable to wallow in our own misery, to think the world’s against us and essentially give in to that overpowering, life-sucking voice. (If like me you’re a Radiohead fan, this can often be accompanied by the sound of Thom Yorke’s existential wailing). Of course, it’s okay to accept how you feel and indeed you should. But just try and catch yourself when that steps over into something else that could be more damaging in the long-term. Finally, in this short, simple, completely unofficial guide, give yourself time. We’re all familiar with the imagery of our emotions and mental states being as changeable as the weather, in a state of constant flux. Just know that, however bad you might be feeling, things will pass. If you need to take some time out from some of life’s demands – school or work – then do. I’m definitely one that forgets this. In fact, sometimes when I feel a bit shit, I double-down on my work, thinking it will somehow help me. In some ways, it’s good to be distracted, but you’ll know in yourself whether you’re merely suppressing something.So, as part of practicing what I preach, I’ve just emailed to ask for a couple of days off soon. Just to recoup some energy and reconnect to what’s important to me.
Life’s pretty amazing, really. Of course it comes with a whole myriad of questions, many of which will likely never be answered; there’s an incalculable number of emotions, thoughts and feelings to experience too. Just because it’s remarkable, though, doesn’t mean we always have to feel remarkable.
If you’re reading this and are feeling low, I wish I could reach through the screen and my arm round you. So consider that metaphorically done. You really are not alone. Just hang in there, things will get better eventually. A huge thank you to our contributor. This column will return next week. ā Thank you for visiting! If youād like to support our attempts to make a non-clickbaity movie website: Follow Film Stories on Twitter here, and on Facebook here. Buy our Film Stories and Film Stories Junior print magazines here. Become a Patron here.