In this week’s mental health chat, a few words on the hold that bullies have over us, even many years down the line.
Her name was Debbie.
She was The Girl; tall, slim, dark hair, dazzling eyes, larger than life, and her volume control stuck on the loudest setting. Popular, and always in style.
And my worst nightmare.
Debbie was someone I had generally always known, and as we reached high school she promoted herself to the status of Bully. She was not my only bully, but she was for sure the worst, and the main one. The ringleader, if you will.
Because of her and her friends, I learned to hate school and developed a deep mistrust for adults after the teachers failed to intervene in the problem for five long years. Heck, I wasn’t even a teenager when I made the first attempt on my life, trying to escape the bullies. I was desperate.
I left high school and over the years worked many jobs, attended college, and attended university. My life moved on… yet, somehow I was always subjected to bullying, and was even chased out of my first flat by local bullies.
Eventually I learned to put some of them out of my mind altogether. A couple have accepted their part in making my life difficult, and one even apologised and explained her role. Maturity can be quite the palate cleanser.
Most people will have experienced bullying to some degree throughout their lives, and if you were to ask people the name of The One they’ll always remember, there will already be a name on their lips before you finish the question. It is one of those unfortunate rites of passage.
But a few months ago, I was scrolling Facebook when I got a friend recommendation. For a moment I thought it said ‘friend request’ and I seriously panicked. Me; an adult who finished school in the 90s, still having panic attacks about seeing one name I had worked hard to move past.
I decided to check her profile out of a need I couldn’t quite name.
She is my age (obviously) but something about seeing her as an adult was a wake-up for me. She looks just the same, and reading her posts made me realise that she hasn’t really changed at all. Still seeking popularity, still determined to stand out, still trying to convince everyone she is living the best life… and even sharing posts about how bullying is despicable and that anyone who thought to bully her children would suffer her wrath. Ironic, but understandable.
In that moment I saw her for who she really was, to me. She was Nobody. She is Nobody.
She is a person in her own right, and I accept that she is very important to many people, but the grip she had on me just vanished. And I can’t fully explain quite why or how it happened. I merely saw her in a different light.
I closed her profile and laughed. How had I spent literal decades being scared of her? I had carried her through my adulthood, and a significant part of my trauma was stamped with her name.
Now? I couldn’t care less about her.
People say you should forget your bullies, but that is easier said than done. The severity of their impact can’t always be forgotten, and if you’re still living with memories of being bullied, I can sympathise; your trauma is valid however you carry it.
But I now see it is possible to move on, and I have done so by seeing her for who she really is; just another human. Nothing special.
So have hope. And be proud of surviving that situation, friend.
