In our regular mental health spot, a few words on saying no, saying when, and taking a step back.
“Say ‘when’.”
It is a primarily American phrase associated with restaurants, so the wait staff know when to stop pouring wine, adding cheese, or grinding pepper. It is a shortened version of ‘say when to stop’.
The common response is “when” because you were asked to ‘say when’. Get it? But ‘okay’, ‘stop’, and ‘that’s enough’ are also accepted.
But so few of us know when to say “when”, whether in a restaurant, or even just in life.
Placing boundaries can be a difficult thing to do when you’ve never been shown how or never had previous boundaries respected. Sometimes we don’t even recognise the need until it is too late.
Some boundaries can be more important than others, such as anything regarding health or finances. But all boundaries are necessary to varying degrees.
Everybody’s circumstances are different which is also why learning when to say enough is enough is a hard thing to explain. But one of the main things we need to know is that we should trust in ourselves.
For example, my health appears to be on a rather unfortunate decline, and my finances are in question. This has exacerbated my usual stress levels, and I haven’t been caring for myself enough. I have prioritised other people and other situations before the more significant ones because they are a distraction and they are easier to deal with. Yet, they have also become problematic as a result.
So, I have had to step back and reassess a few things.
I need to start by making appointments with doctors, despite how little I enjoy doing so, and I need to prepare myself to say some difficult words and phrases that I have been trying to avoid. I am equally scared and embarrassed to do them, but if I am to have any hope of helping myself, I guess I have no choice.
But that means I need to start saying ‘no’ to other people and other less important situations.
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No, I can’t buy your lunch. No, I can’t run an errand for you. No, I can’t help you with [insert non-urgent issue]. No, I can’t take a trip or another workshop.
No.
Saying ‘no’ doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it mean you enjoy putting those boundaries in place. But what it does mean is you have recognised a need to protect yourself. And not every boundary is permanent.
“No, I can’t help you with that… right now. But if things change, I will let you know.”
My goal in 2025 was to do as many craft workshops as possible, learn as many new things as I could, and just try to enhance my life. But with a question mark above my bank account, a concerned emoji looking at my health, and warning sirens in my head signalling a dangerous level of stress, I am being pushed into making some decisions that are less desirable, but equally as important to me.
Now, my goal is to try and navigate and prepare for a potential period of instability in my money, to learn to be more demanding of my doctors to seek adequate action regarding my physical health, and to understand that I need to hit pause on workshops for the time being.
As such, I will also be taking a temporary break from writing. But I am not giving up. I just need to put myself first for a while.
I’m too overwhelmed, right now.
I’ll be back, eventually. But for now, it is time to say ‘when’.
