Emerald Fennell’s erotic comedy-thriller might not seem like an obvious family treat – but with just a few well-placed fast-forwards, Saltburn becomes a film everyone can enjoy.
‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even… Hang on, what’s Barry Keoghan doing to that freshly dug grave?
Picture the scene: it’s the 22nd of December, and Saltburn has arrived on Amazon Prime Video (just in time for Christmas). You’ve just put on Emerald Fennell’s new film (your nan loved her in Call The Midwife and The Crown), and gathered your extended family around the fireplace to bask in some cosy, stately-home set cinema.
As the film’s title card fades away and Barry Keoghan’s wide-eyed Oliver arrives at a comfortingly familiar Oxford college, it’s hard to shake a faint sense of unease. It’s almost as if you’ve missed something very important. Something, you feel, is ever so slightly wrong.
Then – disaster. You’ve remembered: Saltburn’s the one with all the naughty bits! You can’t watch all those with your parent/grandparent/child/estranged cousin/local religious leader! Or can you?
Not to worry, because here at Film Stories, we’ve got you covered. Using the latest techniques in hard-hitting film journalism (a DVD player, a stopwatch and a lined A4 refill pad from WHSmith’s) we’ve scoured Saltburn for all the bits you’ll want to skip to avoid family embarrassment/religious excommunication.
So, sit back, relax, and get that finger hovering over the mute/fast forward button – here’s every bit in Saltburn you don’t want to show your nan. Warning: contains strong language, and several spoilers (with context helpfully removed).
00:02:54 – “Fucking”
00:05:23 – “Fucking”
00:09:50 – “Fucking”
00:09:55 – “Fucking”
00:10:02 – “Cunts”
00:10:51 – “Fuuuuck”
00:11:10 – “Shit”
00:11:50 – “Fuck”
00:12:05 – “Fucking”
00:12:56 – “Tits”
00:13:00 – “Fuck off”
00:13:20 – “Fucking”
00:14:05 – Binge drinking
00:16:30 – “Pissed”
00:16:40 – “Sucking off the teachers”
00:16:48 – “Sucked off”
00:17:15 – “Fucking”
00:17:16 – “Fucking”
00:17:40 – “Fuck ‘em”
00:17:46 – “Fucking”
00:18:15 – “Fuck”
00:18:17 – “Hand job”
00:18:19 – “Fucking Hand job”
00:19:20 – “Fucking”
00:20:19 – Instance of heavy petting
00:20:39 – “Fucking”
00:21:10 – “Fuck”
00:21:11 – “Fucking”
00:21:12 – “Fucking”
00:21:31 – “Fucking”
00:21:48 – “Fucking”
00:21:49 – “Fucking”
00:21:51 – “Fucking”
00:21:53 – “Fucking”
00:21:57 – “Fucking”
00:22:01 – “Fucking”
00:24:27 – “Fucking”
00:25:30 – “Fucking”
00:25:38 – “Tits”
00:25:56 – “Fucking”
00:27:27 – “Shit”
00:28:05 – “Fucking”
00:28:59 – “Fuck”
00:29:29 – Reference to drug overdose
00:29:46 – “Fucking”
00:32:18 – “I accidentally fingered my cousin”
00:33:08 – “Fucking hideous”
00:33:16 – “Spunk”
00:34:15 – “Fucking”
00:34:57 – Clip from Superbad (inc. both “fucking” and “fuck”
00:38:10 – “Fucking hell”
00:39:57 – “Whore”
00:41:29 – “Fucking hell”
00:44:16 – “Fucked his sister”
00:45:25 – A brief instance of tastefully obscured nudiness. No genitals are involved.
00:45:26 – MGMT’s Time To Pretend starts playing.
00:45:35 – “Threesome”
00:45:36 – “Fucking”
00:45:37 – “Fuck”
00:45:41 – “Fuck”
00:47:19 – “Fuck”
00:48:28 – Jacob Elordi has a nice time in the bath for approximately 50 seconds
00:49:45 – Barry Keoghan begins a much-publicised guzzle. Best let nan enjoy this on her own.
00:49:58 – Conclusion of “the guzzle”. As you were.
00:50:40 – “Sexually incontinent”
00:51:16 – “Fucking”
00:55:25 – Heavy petting begins.
00:55:57 – More fluid intake, followed by increasingly heavy petting.
00:57:25 – Petting still on the heavy side.
00:58:20 – “Fucking”
00:59:34 – “Slutty”
01:00:51 – “Fucking”
01:01:30 – “Fucking”
01:02:53 – “Fucking”
01:03:48 – “What the fuck?”
01:06:10 – “Arseholes”
01:06:13 – “Hooker”
01:06:05 – Flo Rida’s debut single, Low, plays. Some sexual themes, but more importantly the song was released in October 2007. Nan hates anachronisms.
01:06:55 – “Fuck”
01:07:15 – “Fuck”
01:07:23 – “Fuck”
01:08:08 – “Fucking”
01:08:13 – “Fucking”
01:10:55 – “Fuck”
01:11:03 – “Fucking”
01:11:05 – Two people start having sex.
01:12:05 – “Fuck”
01:12:30 – Two people stop having sex.
01:13:02 – “Fuck”
01:13:09 – “Fucking”
01:13:12 – “Fuck”
01:13:59 – “Boo fucking hoo”
01:14:08 – “Fucking”
01:15:45 – Extra-curricular activities (sound only).
01:22:20 – “Fucking”
01:22:30 – “Fucking”
01:23:03 – “Fucking”
01:23:34 – “Shit”
01:23:38 – “Shit”
01:24:11 – “Shit”
01:24:15 – “Shit”
01:24:46 – “Fuck off”
01:25:50 – Cocaine used for non-medicinal purposes.
01:26:12 – “Fucking”
01:26:23 – “Handjob”
01:26:30 – “Jerk off”
01:27:29 – “Shit”
01:28:01 – Cocaine use (also non-medicinal).
01:29:40 – Two people have sex in the centre of a hedge maze.
01:29:41 – “Fuck”
01:30:15 – “Fuck”
01:30:17 – “Fucking”
01:30:35 – “Fuck”
01:30:39 – “Fuck”
01:30:59 – “Fucking”
01:31:30 – “Fucking”
01:32:16 – “Fuck you”
01:33:55 – Unpleasantly stained toilet bowl.
01:40:18 – “What the fuck?”
01:40:44 – “Fuck you”
01:43:44 – Barry Keoghan starts having sex with a grave. Time to leave the room.
01:45:53 – Barry Keoghan stops having sex with a grave. Crisis averted.
01:47:30 – “Fucking”
01:49:12 – “Fucking”
01:50:55 – “Fucking”
01:51:11 – “Fucking”
01:51:59 – Death.
02:01:15 – Heavy petting (brief)
02:02:30 – By this point I’m assuming Nan is fine with murder.
02:03:54 – Nudey dancing begins.
02:04:23 – Cocaine use. Medical status unspecified.
02:05:40 – Nudey dancing concludes.
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