Step aside Lush, Muji, and wherever else you can get scented candles from – there’s only one whiff Saltburn fans are looking for this January, and it smells like… Umm… Just read the article.
We’ve all done it, so we may as well own up to it now. We’ve all watched the Saltburn bathwater scene and thought “oh gee, I wish I knew what that smelt like.” Go on, you can admit it, there’s no shame here.
Well, now we can all find out for ourselves. For the low-low price of £26.18, you can by a candle called Jacob Elordi’s Bath Water from Etsy.
Interestingly, the makers have determined the water actually smells like one of five distinct fragrances: Apple Harvest; Cinnamon Vanilla; Clean Cotton; Sea Salt and Orchid or White Sage and Lavender. Must be nice.
The product description is as follows. “There’s nothing quite like the smell of a quality candle, particularly when that smell is inspired by Jacob Elordi and what we imagine His Highness to smell like.”
Not to get all “well actually” about this, but I’m pretty sure the bathwater Jacob Elordi exited in Saltburn contained his character’s, um, discharge, not Mr. Elordi’s (I imagine HR would have had something to say about that). It’s an important distinction if you’re worried about the actual strangeness of marketing a candle as smelling like a real person’s ejaculate without their permission, but then again, when has the internet ever concerned itself with that sort of thing?
And before anyone points at Gwyneth Paltrow’s orgasm candle – she made that, didn’t she? Well, her company did, at any rate. Either way, she was involved. This one just feels weird.
Oh, and what’s with the “His Highness” bit? Maybe I’m not cut out for this whole “online” malarky.
Anyway, off my high horse I hop. There’s certainly an article to be written about our very odd parasocial relationships with actors and celebrities in general. But, if you’ve read this far, you’re probably more interested in a candle that smells like Jacob Elordi’s cum.
And who am I to stop you? Go ahead, guzzle away. I’ll just sit here looking cross and feeling superior.