Rivals episode 7 review | What the hell is a franchise, anyway?

rivals episode 7 review
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The fight for Rutshire’s televisual soul is heating up as Disney+’s bonkbuster nears its finale. Here’s our Rivals episode 7 review.


It’s an upsetting moment in any entertainment writer’s life when they realise they have absolutely no idea what a regional television franchise bid entails.

As best as I can piece together, it seems a lot like a political campaign. The media, for one, are very interested in who’s running, trilbies and flashbulbs in hand and head as they snap a ragtag group of incredibly posh weirdos wearing identical t-shirts in a horrible shade of blue. You might make a Conservative leadership election comment here. I couldn’t possibly comment.

Yes, Venturer, not held back by a name resembling a loose dog in a consonant factory, have begun their Central Southwest ITV Franchise bid (sexy) proper, and Corinium’s Tony is very cross. After going bonkers and ruining a perfectly lovely summer barbecue, he warns his employees that the other side will undoubtedly be looking to poach their brightest and best. “Watch your colleagues”, he growls ominously, before cancelling all upcoming holidays and warning his lackeys not to call in sick. Worker motivation is not his forte.

Still, keen to play to the ‘family values’ crowd, Lord Baddingham makes the inspired decision to give James Vereker his own show: How To Stay Married. This, of course, means recruiting Lizzie onto the on-screen team. Having her loitering around the Corinium dressing rooms can only end well, right?

Behind the scenes at Ventricular, meanwhile, things are also far from rosy. Rupert, for once, seems racked with self-doubt, perhaps realising for the first time that a life as an Olympian showjumper has not left him best prepared for a senior role either in government or at a burgeoning production company.

Taggie, having apparently abandoned her burgeoning posh catering empire, is going door to door canvassing for the TV franchise battle of the century. Inexplicably, no one stops to ask why any of them should give a fig, or if the public have any decision-making role to play. Like I say, I have no idea how any of this works.

Read more: Rivals episode 6 review | What happens in Málaga…

For a show called Rivals, though, all this is starting to look a little one-sided. At the onset, Tony and Rupert seemed like a pair of lovable bastards, swapping the upper hand between them with a well-timed thrust of a political sabre (or, more often, their genitals). Now, Tony spends his time flaunting about the place being a slightly dull meanie, while Rupert alternates between having affairs and staring pensively into the distance. It’s not much of a rivalry when Ventilation Shaft is the only company anyone’s going to be backing.

The dick-omiter needs a rebalance in every sense of the word. Hopefully the finale is the episode to do it.

All episodes of Rivals are streaming on Disney+ now.

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